Monday, March 9, 2009

The Boob Fairy - Be Careful What You Wish For!

I am a small breasted woman.  For my entire life, I have had the fact that I am small chested brought to my attention by tactless people. Because, I hadn't noticed on my own?  My dad used to say; "Michelle you're a pirate's dream... a sunken chest." Ha Ha.  Shipley is a soap star on "Young And The Chestless."Ha Ha. Flat as an ironing board. Ha Ha.  I have heard them all.  At night I would pray and pray for the Boob Fairy to come to my house ...please let me wake up with something ...not a D-cup just enough so that you can distinguish my back from my front.

The boys at school nick named  me "LITTLE Shipley" while my sister two and half years my junior was called "BIG Shipley" since she had developed a great wrack by an early age.  Clearly unfair.  How was it that the Boob Fairy made it to her room and not mine - we reside at the same address!?

I became well used to the ribbing. "Why do you wear a bra at all?" The boys would ask me in high school. "Because most girls my age do," was always my reply. If I showed them they didn't bug me and went along with the jokes eventually they would move onto a new target.  It was my M.O.

My mother's friend who was very busty told me her boobs were a curse and I should be happy I don't have them to get in the way.  I didn't understand how they could get in the way until, I went off on a soccer tournament with the senior girls team, who was shy a full back and brought me up from the junior team. There, in a hotel room in Virginia, I witnessed one girl helping another wrap a tensor bandage over a sports bra.  "What on earth are you guys doing?" I asked. "Holding the girls down - you have no idea how much running hurts with these things." Came her reply, and I didn't.

I began to work as a model and fell into a group of my own kind. Most models are pretty flat chested. Our model's bags came equipped with "falsies" mine were foam pads I could slip into my bra to augment as required. I was stoked when the "push up bra" then the "water bra" came on the market. I could fake some cleavage with one of those and so I came to own several! Later, I progressed to sporting silicone gel falsies- they slip into your bra right under your own boob and add just enough volume, they look real, and move like they are real, and they feel real. These are fine until I get into it a bit and find it hilarious to pull one out to show it off ... 

Lucky & I at the beach with my INSERT!

Once, in the 9th grade, I explained to my girl-friend the difference between convex and concave while studying for a science exam by giving her the imagery of our bust lines.  She was convex and I was concave.  She never forgot her wedding when we were 25 years old she got up to introduce her bridal party to the 150 guests ...when she got to me she said; "I have known Shipley since kindergarten and her boobs were the same size then!"  I was MORTIFIED! I waited out the introductions and then excused myself to a bathroom stall to cry.  So, clearly, I was NOT over the ribbing.  Despite the push up bra and the silicone falsies this lack of boobage continued to be a sore spot for me.

And Then Pregnancy.

The Boob Fairy Arrived!  OHMIGAWD! I began to grow a set of hooters!  I couldn't keep my hands off them.  Seriously...they were beautiful!  I told everyone who called to ask how my pregnancy was going how big my boobs were becoming. "No I don't believe you- send pictures" was their reply, but, the proof is in the pudding and my cups were finally FULL! 

I received this "CONGRATULATIONS"  card from another member if the Itty Bitty Titty Committee - who could also delight in new curves as she was also expecting! 

The Cups Runeth Over

The day came when I didn't fit into my other bras.  I went to the department store and pulled about 40 bras off the racks.  I had no idea how to fit a bra. I aways wore small or medium and could still wear the kid's ones from the GAP... this was a new adventure for me.  Completely confused I called my sister from the change room to ask her what the number and the letters were for on the bras.  She said, "Michelle you are 36 years old, as if you don't know how to fit a bra? Try a 34B - if it's too tight try a 34C and if you are in a D I am flying down there!"   I left with a 36C ... YAY Me!
I tried each of these joke!

When I finally saw my sister she said, "Ohmygawd - your boobs are perfect - I am going to take you to a surgeon and ask to have your breasts." She said this while holding her own, now small, post baby boobs.  That's funny I said, "Mom said that about my nose and actually took me to her rhinoplasty surgeon."  

Well - that 36C has now become to tight.  How do I know?  After wearing it several hours I removed the bra to find my boobs had turned blue on the under side. I was horrified. How does one cut the circulation off to her mams and not notice?  Perhaps, because at 35 weeks pregnant everything is Mc-supersized and  feeling like the Ghost Buster's Marshmallow Man has become normal.  Maybe, the Boob Fairy can and should stop visiting ...

This is my Pre-Pregnancy sports bra on top of my current sports bra...I'm NOT KIDDING!

Yesterday, my darling, and usually supportive, hubby made fun of my giant nipples." I hope our baby as a big mouth." He said.  "No. I hope it doesn't."  He quickly retracted when I shot him THE look of death. "My boobs now scare you?" I asked. "Yeah, Kinda."

Be careful what you wish for .... on that note -enjoy this song.


Anonymous said...

HOORAY FOR TITS! I was the last of my friends to get boobs (I was probably 15 when they finally grew) and ended up with 38C's. Now? Good God. 40D, and my nursing bras are 42E. WTF! Your boobs will get bigger when your milk comes in! I personally like having giant boobies but most stores don't carry a 42E! I had to order my nursing bras online! That was depressing.

Anonymous said...

Mitch, I hear ya on the boob front! I just went and had to buy another bra....yes me...I got bigger than a DD. I moved to DDD on Friday. I have had nothing but tears when I think about it but boy am I comfy now. It's all a part of growing a baby.

twwly said...

You think that's it? Just wait until your milk comes in!!!!!


lucky said...

i told you big jugs are trouble!!!

Mary K Brennan said...

Congrats! I thought I would never leave the first letter of the alphabet, then I got pregnant. I went from a 36A to a 38D. I was in my glory. The bad news is that they returned to normal. Oh well, I got my 15 minutes of fame!

Nellie Butler said...

Ah yes, the boob fairy. Haha! Very fun read. I was about 16 before mine came in, and I'd gotten so used to not having any that I didn't notice it at first. It took a friend telling me to stop picking up the pencils the guys were "dropping" for me to realize it had finally happened. LOL

Farrah from Wife and Mom of 3 said...

OMg...preggy boobies rock! Loved how perky and rock solid mine were (key word..."were"!