The Writing Floodgates Are Open

A year ago I wrote a post about our 2012 plans ... then I lost it when I was trying to edit the post from my ipad. That pretty much sums up 2012. Buh - Bye.  So this past year flew by and in it's rush some pretty monumental developments occurred right beneath our noses.  Okay, they were all things we had set into motion, but, after two years of limbo we are starting to move people!

Let's back story a bit so you can see where we've come from so where we are going makes sense.

In February of 2008, we closed on a beautiful house in the historic district of small town NC - it was our dream house.  We had a five year plan to live here then sell and move on to travel - pulling our money out of our house and using it to travel with.  We picked up a beautiful property for what we thought was a song given we now had 3200square feet  for a mortgage payment less than we paid in rent for our 800 square foot one bedroom apartment in Toronto.   The United States housing collapse pretty much occurred a millisecond after signing our ownership papers.  Pretty quickly we realized we had made a grave mistake.  Apparently real estate is not the secure investment everyone thought it was.  It's hard to settle into a home when you know you've just lost all the money you put down in it.   

In the mean time life evolved.  In spring 2009 we added a beautiful daughter,  Finley Mae, to our family and our life's focus began to shift.  We celebrated her birth and two of her birthdays in this house with our neighbours who have become friends.  

In September 2010 we put the house up for sale for 270K which would have had us coming out of the house with a slight loss - a year later after several drops in price, and an educated decision to cease paying an over-valued mortgage, we consulted a lawyer and went after a short sale so we could sell the house at "new fair market value."  The new list price on our house was 169K. Over the next year we continued to drop the price. We had a couple offers  the bank turned down, 160K, 105K and finally at 155K we finally had a buyer. The buyer went all the way through home inspection and bailed. Historic homes take special care and in the end this house was not for them. So we put the house back on the market.  A short sale runs alongside foreclosure, so taking this road was not without risk, we went into the whole deal with our eyes wide open.  We were not willing to lose any more money!

January 2012 started off pretty rough with the loss of our family pet, Cecil, my almost constant companion for 13 years.  Late January we left to renew visas in Toronto and upon return were served foreclosure papers.   That set us on the path of uprooting and uncertainty.  The last year in our home was shrouded with loss and it was punctuated by the sudden death of our next door neighbour Jake, who had become such a dear friend.   In August 2012 we gave our dream house, now affectionately called Casa Albatross, back to the bank and walked.  The house by the way is still for sale and is now reduced to 114K.  OUCH!    

In the midst of all this USA housing nonsense, in the fall of 2011, we had an offer we couldn't refuse and bought an ocean front lot in Nicaragua alongside three of our best friends lots and we are currently building a modest house.  It's the wild west when it comes to building there.  Our house deal was made over several glasses of Flor de Cana and a hand shake in May of 2012 and after a six month delay our house began going up!  

This is the first photo we received October 2012

Let me tell you that all of this Nicaragua business went down and I had not yet ever been to Nicaragua!  We had been almost constant winter residents in Costa Rica so we knew the landscape and knew it was where we would surely love to live out our winters but I had yet to experience Nicaragua.  A year after the lot purchase and with a house framed out I got to see this amazing country for myself!

Steve, Finley and I spent just over two weeks in Nicaragua late November and early December of 2012.  It was a really cool experience.  Nicaragua is NOTHING like Costa Rica and I love that!  Our travels this time took us to several cities and towns where we visited with a circle of expat friends who currently reside in Nicaragua and we got to go see our build.  

Steve entering the front door of our house.

The ocean is right through the trees and scrub.

For the first time ever I got to stand on our lot and stand in our house and walk along our beach!  It was a brilliant feeling that set the the past year straight.  2012 ended on a high note knowing all of our crazy maneuvers in the past two years to get us the life we wanted was surely looking like it will pay off for us.  Is it scary?  Yes, a little, but life is no fun at all if you are too comfortable.  

Happy New Year Everyone!  

Here's to a tremendous 2013.

Bonjour 2011

What a very quick year. I'd like to say I've thought lots about it and had many plans for the coming year, but, this one just came and went in the blink of an eye. I don't think I've thought of 2011 yet!

2010's Highlights

January

We went to Costa Rica where our house was robbed on our second night. Major BUMMER for our friends who were hardest hit losing wedding bands, passports and money. The safe was stolen off the wall! Lessons learned and all of us were safe. I took my first University writing class in 15 years and earned an "A."

February

Finley began walking and we began chasing!

March

Rachel and I hosted our very first yoga and journal writing retreat. It was SOLD OUT. We are planning for this year already.

April

Finley's first birthday was celebrated with our neighbours and friends. It also marks the END of breastfeeding and the introduction of the lazy eye nipple.

May

Steve's sister Jennie, hubs Matt and our nieces and nephew visited for a few days from Winnipeg. It was fun to see Finley playing with her cousins.

June

Finley said, "Mommy" for the first time! We went on our second annual Elston & Pare' spring vacation. We stayed in Waves NC and had perfect weather all week. Steve and I even got to go out for dinner without Finley for the first and ONLY time in 21 months. Thank you Sandy! So looking forward to this year already! Later in the month Finley cut EIGHT teeth at once. Of course she did this while Dad and Mom in law were visiting. Poor little girl was feverish and miserable the whole visit.

July

I joined the gym and Finley had her first introduction to the gym daycare and a separation from mommy. Yikes! That was tough on both of us but it was needed and we are both better for it. Kelly & Mark arrived for Canada Day and July Fourth. We boated at Beaufort and watched the fireworks on the Washington water front after spending the day in New Bern where we saw the Guinness Book Of World Records winning largest pulled pork sandwich. I steered clear lest I require a stab in the leg with my Epi Pen. Pork Allergy Alert! Haha! That would make a great T-shirt slogan.

August

Finley and I flew to meet our friends Kelly and Mark in NYC who treated us to a stay at the Plaza! We visited Coney Island, Chelsea Markets, Times Square, Century 21, Ground Zero and had High Tea in the Palm Court with Finley at the Plaza. She channeled Eloise and stole the show. I seriously have to blog that trip there are some amazing photos!

September

We put our house up for sale. Sniff, Sniff. We figured in this crappy housing market we should try and get out of the house since it's gonna take a looooooonnnnnggggg time to sell. We are Canadians on a visa. We need to be mobile should we decide to head back to Canada. A mortgage is not exactly offer us mobility. Finley and I took our very first road trip together. We drove to Toronto for a weekend to visit with Greg, Kathy, Lucky and Sharon. Did you know there was a farm in downtown Toronto? Riverdale Farm. The things you don't know until you are entertaining a toddler. Then we drove to Ottawa for a two week stay with my seester Sue and to attend my cousin Steven's wedding. First major gallbladder problems began occurring. I thought my stomach hurt because I was internalizing my feelings after seeing my family ;).

October

Steve, Finley and our good friends Adam, Sarah and Ella vacationed in Duck for the week of Canadian Thanksgiving. The weather was pretty good but the company was better!

November

Well a total highlight for me was Finley staying with Auntie Dee for the day and my mom in law Kelly getting Fin down for a nap! Seriously? The kid CAN NAP for someone else! Hallelujah!

December

We had a fabulous feast on Xmas eve with our next door neighbours Jake and Rachel. They prepared the Italian American tradition of the Feast of Seven Fishes. DELICIOUS! We ate seven different fish and I made a chapotle sweet potato and an arugula and fennel salad to go along. Finley enjoyed her Christmas. She was very excited that Grandma was here for a sleep over. Then we got SNOWED IN. 10 whole inches people. It hadn't snowed here in 5 years until we moved here and then in the last 3 winters we've had snow. We clearly did not move far enough south. So Finley and I hopped in the truck and drove south to Tampa Florida to hang with our friends Kelly and Mark who had flown in on Boxing day to surprise Kelly's mom and dad. My mom#2! We had a good week and rang in the New Year with a feast and some great friends then hit the road for home.

Looking back I see a lot of time spent with family and friends as my stand out moments. This year was a big one as Steve and I settled into our own as parents and the three of us as a family. Steve and Finley are my whole heart and I'm happy.

Like every day for most of the day I'm just happy.

What am I gonna do in 2011?

I was hoping to land a contract in Halifax NS this spring, but, it's come undone and a quick trip to Toronto in the near future to drum up some prospects is in the works. Anyone want to hire a fantastically organized TV producer with a great track record for delivering the goods on time and on budget? I want to work a contract or two a year. Nothing full time because it's important for Steve and I to be home with our kiddo.

I'll start the year with a 7 day total body cleanse and a resolution to cut the beer intake way down and I'll look forward to taking the prenatal yoga teacher training certification I've been wanting to take and I'll give it my all to work a contract in TV and get the new TV proposal concepts I've got rolling around in my head onto paper and pitch the networks and I'll try very hard to get back into blogging. I've got a very busy daughter who takes up most of my time. I resolve this year to find time for me again. I've been swept up in care taking and now it's time to take care of me.

What were some of your highlights? Hit me back yo!

Finally, It Looks A LOT Like Christmas

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Our front door even says, Welcome Christmas!

It's TRUE! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, which for me is a Christmas Miracle in itself. I have to admit to being quite a Grinch over the past few years. What I have not allowed myself to write or speak aloud until now is this:

My mother spent 8 years dying of Breast Cancer. Every Christmas had the underlying, unmentioned feeling that it could be mom's last one. She spent her last 4 Christmases either undergoing or finishing treatments. We nick named it the annual Christmas Chemo like it was a seasonal holiday treat like egg nog. And then she died just before Christmas December 12, 2000. Yup. That was the worst Christmas ever. I spent the whole day in bed in a rental house in Nags Head NC with Steve's family. I got up to get very drunk then I went back to bed. Sad really, but, it was my way of coping. On Boxing Day I woke up and carried on.

The Island of Misfit Toys sit on top of my painting.

Each Christmas has passed since then without it's luster. I believe it was because we didn't have my mother's home cooked meals, our Christmas morning rituals sucked because we were missing our matriarch. We tried to hold fast to them and replicate them. On Christmas morning I didn't look across the room to see my mother in her burgundy velour housecoat, her eyes filled with anticipation as we opened our gifts from her. There was just awkward silence and then my voice making stupid jokes to sever the tension. We tell a few "remember when mom" stories then look at the floor, choke back tears and leave the room.

Our trees graced our wedding table. They make me happy.

The wrapped gifts under our tree came from; Santa, the elves, Mrs. Clause, the birds in the back yard feeder and even from the dog. Her tourtieres were always made with fresh ingredients, she made her crusts cutting out holly leaves and berries to decorate the tops, she woke early to make her stuffing from scratch, we would always have to beg her to stop or hurry up so we could open our gifts. Our stockings were filled with the best things in them and even into adulthood included a toy of some sort. Crumbs were left on window sills and carrots were half eaten in the snow. As kids we never clued in that it was always mom or dad who discovered and brought this wondrous Santa evidence to our attention. These are the things I think of every year. These Christmas memories are my mother.

A girl is never ready to lose her mother no matter how old we are. I found out my mother was sick when I turned 20, she died a month before my 28th birthday. Those are the formative years. When a girl discovers her mother is a person, a woman, not just a mother. It's in that time I wanted to know about what my mother thought, dreamed of and wanted for herself and for my sister and I. I know some of these answers. They are pieced together by what my dad, and my aunts have shared, they help fill the hole that mom's passing has left. But, they aren't her words.

I have been angry that my mother never wrote a letter to my sister and I telling us her thoughts. She never pulled out her Christmas cookie recipes to make sure we had them, she never went wedding dress shopping with us just to make sure she saw us in a dress. Other mother's have done this with their daughters when they new they were terminal. Not ours. I can only surmise that she was optimistic to the end that she would beat her cancer and not have to leave us. I hang onto the fragments of my memories of her. I pause when I come across her hand writing on a birthday card tucked away in her makeup case in my drawer. It used to smell of her but has long since faded away.

The mantel in our dining room.

This is the first Christmas I feel Christmassy. It's because of my little girl. It's because I can now share in the delight my mother and father must have shared in as they readied our house for the arrival of old Saint Nick. It's in every cookie I bake, ever gift I wrap and every little bit of decor I place around the house. It's in Finley's face every time I look at her toothy smile shining up at me from her favorite spot at my feet. Christmas is back! It's here in my house as I take from my mother's ideas and replicate them in a way we do when we take on customs making them our own.

Cookies I baked. Not mom's but Joy's (of cooking)

Finley's little shining face looking up at me. Then the Grinch's heart grew and grew!

A beautiful glass ornament from a new and dear friend hangs in the kitchen.

Finley opens a gift from her Grampy (and his new finace') Grammy.

And so this Christmas marks a new chapter. I'm having my Christmas cry while I write this post. Saying goodbye to the last decade of sorrow and hello to new beginnings. Wondrous new beginnings. As evidence by the signs of Christmas all around my house. The fact that I have allowed myself to write this means only one thing. I am finally healing. I am letting mom go and keeping only the very best parts of our story together. Merry Christmas Mom and thank you.