Wordless Wednesday

Jack Planking the Target Ball

The Dinner Party

Here is an excerpt from a piece of writing I did last week for school ... yes, the events actually happened last week while our vacation was just beginning:

The Dinner Party

Hannah has just finished helping me set the dining room table. It’s a formal antique table with a matching buffet and hutch in a light stained oak. The mish mash of place mats and chairs pulled from other parts of the house are placed deliberately. I’m sure it would make Martha Stewart cringe. I don’t however, as I’m just so happy to sit down to dinner with my dearest friends who have just driven two days to get to me.

Kathy and her three kids; Hannah, Megs and Jack and our friend Lucky are all sitting around the table hungrily diving into a salad made of quinoa and Northern Beans, dressing grilled sausages and digging spoons into the southern staple of Mac and cheese. My daughter Finley, age two, is climbing in and out of her chair too excited to sit or eat.

We’re cackling with laughter at the names we’ve given ourselves for this girl’s and kids trip, Sponge Bottom Square Boobs Mom, Hooker Mom and Prozac Mom.

“But why Prozac Mom? Are you happy now?” I’m asked.

“I never wasn’t,” I say, before tagging on “ Please don’t feed my dog, I just cleaned up puke upstairs.

“What was it?” Lucky asked.

“Apple?” I reply. She mocks a guilty look.

“No more dude!” I wag a finger at her as Finley climbs the back of my chair to hang off my back. Finley looses her balance and clings to my tank top and bra strap. In an effort to prevent a nipple slip I’ve clamped my hand down over my now exposed bosom. Jack, sitting directly across the table from me swings the desk chair around backwards to avert his eyes. His whole body turns red with embarrassment. At 11, he’s not yet on the life long man quest to see boobs. The rest of the table becomes alerted to what is going on and we all begin laughing. Lucky then chokes on her food, collectively we pause to stare at her wondering if we’ll need to perform the Heimlich maneuver, before returning to our fit. Finley slides off my back, while I readjust myself, “Poor Jack finally gets to see a breast and it’s my lazy eye nipple” I say.

Our laughter is broken by a wretched gagging crossed with what sounds like a cat coughing up a hairball. We look back toward the kitchen to see my Yorkie throwing up, again. Lucky’s dog is circling to see if it’s good seconds and that’s when Finley yells, “Mama I’m pooping!”

I jump up, “quick let’s get to the potty.” She’s already dropped her little black and yellow striped undies and is in a squat. I get to her as she drops a turd on the dining room floor.

“Don’t step in it! I command as she pops up to look back proudly at her accomplishment. And thus the tone is set for our week long vacation. It can only go up from here…

Getting an Edumacation on Summer Vacation

I have just begun a new class on-line through UCLA called The Art of Creative Non Fiction. I'm loving it so far. We have a really awesome class comprised of talented people from across the globe. A ballet dancer, teachers, stay at home mom's, students, copy editor's, and pre-med students just to name a few...for the next ten weeks we get to share each other's writings and lives. What a privilege!

I thought I might share some of my writing here with you - so you can see what I've been learning in school!

Week One:

The Ballet Bully

We danced every Wednesday in the Richmond Arena, a space that housed craft fairs, wedding receptions, and pancake breakfasts. My pink leather shoes had a grey sparkly residue on them from the wax on the parquet floors. Our classes were arranged by enrollment not age or skill. Katrina had braces and boobs. I was gawky with big eyes and big teeth. Katrina used to terrorize me to the music of Beethoven and Mozart while my ballet teacher’s back was turned.

We were lined up organized by height. Katrina was short and I was tall for my age and had the unfortunate placement behind her or in front of her when we turned to practice both the right and left sides. While Madam selected a record from a milk crate and scanned the back panel for the right song another dance was happening, it looked more like Katrina yanking my leotard up my back. Madam pulled the record from its sleeve and I pulled the wedgie out of my backside. “Michelle stop fidgeting! “ Madam commanded. “Hands up – first position please and One and Two and ….”

In January we were given choreography and began to rehearse for the spring recital. Flamingos were really popular that year appearing on everything from wallpaper boarders to Christmas ornaments and after a unanimous vote it was decided that we would be flamingos in the recital. We had pink and white tulle sashes pulled tight around our waists, gathered at the back leaving a draping tail. Someone’s mother took a poetic license on the costume design by creating a head piece that looked like a pink balaclava with white seagull feather tacked to the forehead.

On opening night of the recital we waited behind the thread bear curtain. Katrina ran out to take her place as the youngest dancers dressed as ducks filed off the stage. She was well into herself and out of earshot as the last little duck came off crying; “I just peed in my tutu.” I felt for that little duck, for so many times at ballet class I nearly peed my own leotard while I waited for Katrina to get out of the bathroom with her posse of girls so I could use the stall alone.

As the finale approached I saw an opportunity present itself. Prepared, I shifted my position slightly. Gracefully Katrina leapt across the stage touching each girl on the shoulder as they froze in place before arriving in front of me. She lay down on her back, and raised a leg. I held the back of her leg and took an arabesque for the grand finale. That little duck had provided Katrina with a pond and I steered her right into it. Katrina gasped and sat up a little then looked at me. “I’m wet! She cried. “ It’s pee” I replied, then turned smiling out at the darkness interrupted by proud parent’s flashbulbs and cheers.

Wordless Wednesday

Involuntary Bum Bulimia

For my entire adult life I've had digestive issues. Symptoms have remained unchanged for years and years and I just coped. I steer away from a long list of foods that are disagreeable to me. I'm all about preventative medicine. I mean who wants to feel sh*tty? I don't eat fast food, gluten, meat and very little dairy. I do have a weakness for french fries and potato chips and even they have crossed over to the do not eat list as of the past month. Booo Hooo. Sniff, sniff. Feeling sorry for me yet? No worries if you're not because I'm totally feeling SO SORRY for myself. I know I'm viewed by many as being a terrible picky eater, but, it's always been because I couldn't tolerate certain foods. If they make me sick why would I eat them?

Then last fall I began to suffer, I mean really feel bad, no matter what I ate...my bum threw it all up almost immediately. I swear I was suffering from involuntary bum bulimia! It's so embarrassing to be out at a nice restaurant and have to leave the table in a sprint for the lou before I'm even done my plate.

Then came the bloating and the weight gain...In January I tried a cleanse and loved it - I felt so much better for a while until I had an other episode and then the episodes became more and more frequent. I wondered if it was nerves , but, I'm not under any stress... my darling Hubs who is an ER nurse said it was my gallbladder. I had all the classic symptoms except the weight loss ... how is it that I don't get that perk? And it's bikini season too.

After finally getting my tail into see a doctor I was referred to radiology for an ultrasound which was showing no gallstones and a little inflammation and then a week later I went in for a HIDA Scan and voila! It was determined the old gallbladder not towing it's weight in my digestive system's party. It's working at less than 5% efficiency. It has to come out! Ahhhhhhh. Waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllll. F -Bomb double hockey sticks I'm so annoyed.

Here's my experience with hospitals:

1. Being Born

2. Removal of impacted wisdom teeth

3. To deliver my daughter.

To say I'm terrified is an understatement. I know it's a small procedure and it's done in a day surgery and it done lapriscopic but they're cutting into my perfect belly!!! I'm gonna get pumped full of air and prodded and then they'll cut that little pesky lazy gallbladder out and then stitch me up. I'm gonna have stitches! WHAT! Shut the door! I'm horrified and apparently very vain.

The upside is when it's all done I'm hoping to not have to run to the lou 3/4 of the way through every meal....actually, that really is an upside.

Wish me luck. I'll post pics. Maybe.

Today

Finley at 25 months has a very funny sense of humour and her imagination is busting out so much earlier than I would have imagined. Just today she looked out the window of the truck ... this is the conversation that ensued.

Mama

Fin Look over there at the goats!

Fin

I see a puma. Pumas are my favorite.

Mama

Where did you see the puma?

Fin

Right up theywe - in that tree. Pumas and pink are my favorite.

Mama (laughing)

Well I knew pink and purple were your favorite (how is it that she just loves those colours....I didn't push them on her???) but, I had NO idea you even knew what a puma was.

Fin

Haha, Mama, Finley funny. Puma no go in trees.

Mama

Yes fin you're funny.

Fin

Mama, I miiissssssss daddia.

Mama

Yes Finner so do I.

And that's when I realized we are having real conversations....

You Can't Make this Stuff Up

This morning Finley came running into my room with her pink baby under one arm and her pink sippy under the other. She threw them on the bed and then hoisted herself up, lunged at me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Mama I love you."

I melted she's never said that to me before.

Then she said; "Your bum smells."